Harry Potter is an Annoying Little Bugger
by XxXxDarkVampirexXxX
Summary: Despite not having been around any of the Marauders for very long, there are times when it becomes obvious that Harry Potter is one annoying little bugger, and he soon makes it his life goal to get adults to question their, and perhaps his, sanity. Crackfic! Series of mostly unrelated oneshots.
1. Wrong Number

**Yo. Cross posted on AO3. ...So yeah, here's yet another new fic. Notes: Takes place first year and after. Sort of AU in some ways, I don't know. Don't take things too seriously. Ignore that certain things mentioned may or may not even exist in canon timeline. Probably won't be in chronological order, but I'll mention the year in the beginning of each chapter. None of these chapters are connected to each other. And unlike Boredom and Secrets, this is going to stay a crackfic.  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (or most other things that'll be mentioned) or any of its characters...**

 **Alternate title/summary: Harry Potter can be one annoying little shit.**

*Summer before Sixth year*

Today was a busy day for the Dark Lord Voldemort. He had planned a major raid, and was finalizing plans with his Death Eaters, who stood stoically before him in the ballroom of Riddle Manor, listening to him intently. Well, he assumed so, at least. They knew he would curse them if he noticed any signs of fading interest or concentration.

And that was why it came as a surprise to everyone, including Voldemort himself, when suddenly-

"Hoooot!" Which was followed by a sickening-Crash!

Everyone in the room, including the Dark Lord (though he'd Crucio you before admitting it), jumped in shock, and turned to look at the window. No one saw anything outside.

"Wormtail! Open the window!" Voldemort ordered, wand in hand and snake slit eyes as narrowed as they could be.

Trembling in fear, the rat like man stumbled over to the large window, undid the latch, and pushed it open. He peered out carefully, but didn't see anything at all. Then he looked down. "M-M-My Lord!"

"What? What?" he repeated a second time, when all he heard was spluttering. Realizing he wasn't about to get an answer, and wondering why he had sent a coward to check on the situation, Voldemort got to his feet and glided towards the window, pleased when Wormtail scurried away from him quickly. Good.

He too looked outside carefully, spotting no threat whatsoever. In fact, he saw nothing out of place at all. Looking up gave him the same results. An then his gaze shifted downward. ...A feather duster? Why was there a grey feather duster sitting outside his window? And why had it crashed into the window in the first place? Had it been jinxed? Or had some foolish Muggle child thrown it? But no one ever neared this manor.

The feather duster moved, and the Dark Lord jumped back in (what he would vehemently deny) fear. Why was the feather duster moving!?

"Hoot!"

"...Oh." The item he assumed was a feather duster, was really an owl. "What do you want, owl?" he questioned rather firmly, despite the fact it wouldn't be able to answer him in a way he would understand, considering it was, well, an owl.

Somewhere further in the room, Severus Snape sighed and refrained from rubbing his temples in irritation. "That is Errol, my Lord. He belongs to the Weasley family." And how could he not know this, having endured listening to Salazar knew how many Howlers from Molly Weasley to those fiendish twin sons of hers?

Voldemort raised a non-existent brow. Why would a Weasley be writing to someone in this room? Was it Severus, perhaps? As a member of the Order, and a spy, he had pretenses to keep. So he stepped back, away from the window, when the...owl flew up off the ground, curious to see who it would go to.

It landed on his bald head.

Several Death Eaters released chuckles, or sounds of fright, though there was an indignant whine from Bellatrix mixed in there somewhere too.

"Silence!"

All sound in the room ceased immediately.

Just as Voldemort reached up to grab the owl, it dropped a roll of parchment, and then flew out the window it had come in from. "Bloody feather duster owls," muttered the Dark Lord. "Wormtail, pick that up!" he commanded.

The _still_ trembling man (did he ever stop shaking!?) bent at his Lord's feet to pick up the parchment. Straightening up, he passed it over, quickly and silently, before rushing away again.

The Dark Lord cursed himself for not checking the damn things for any curses or the like before it was handed to him, unrolled it, breathing out an inaudible sigh of relief when nothing happened. Instead, he focused on the written words.

 _So anyway, to continue where I left off.  
I walk into the room, right? And they're both just...there. It was fucking creepy. There was fat flubbering around everywhere, and I don't care if that's not a word. And she's all bony and whatever, right? So that leaves me wondering how she doesn't like, get crushed under him. I mean, he must weigh a good two hundred pounds more than she does._

The letter ended there, and while it sounded incomplete, Voldemort just stood there staring, wondering what the heck he had just read. "Severus."

The dour man approached and inclined his head. "My Lord?"

Voldemort passed the letter over. "Does this look familiar?"

Severus read through it quickly, and scowled. "Potter. The atrocious penmanship is familiar to me."

"What in Salazar's name is he blabbering on about?"

The Potions Master made a motion that could really only be described as a shrug. "Does it matter? When was the last time Potter did anything that made sense?"

That was actually a fair point. So, with that note, the Dark Lord returned to his throne, and the meeting continued...

It was a few hours later, when he was in his study, that he, for the second time that day, heard a crash at the window. He grabbed his wand, slipped out of his chair, and neared the glass. Remembering earlier, he looked down the moment he opened the window, but saw nothing.

Pleased, he was about to pull back, when something grey and fluffy hit his face. "Fucking feather dusters!" Oh, no wait, it was just that owl again. And there was another roll of parchment too. Was it Potter again?

He checked for spells this time, found nothing wrong, and took it from the owl, who, once again, flew off immediately. Voldemort didn't bother cursing the bird.

Unrolling the parchment, he found a single sentence written in the same messy scrawl as before.

 _Sorry about before, Voldemort, wrong number._

"...What? What does that even mean!?"

 **And that's the first one. For some reason the image of Voldemort being pelted with feather dusters popped into my mind in the bath yesterday, and that thought eventually became this. I have 15 more ideas noted down, so I'll start writing those up, but I'm open to suggestions. I can't say I'll take all of them, because it has to be something I can write, but let me know. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	2. I Hate Barney

**Yo. Glad the first chapter was funny. That whole "Wrong number" bit cracks me up every time for some reason. And yes, Harry was writing about seeing his aunt and uncle having sex. Scarred for life yet? Anyway, remember, these chapters aren't connected to one another, okay? Thank you to all readers so far, and an extra to those who reviewed!  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (or anything else familiar I mention) or any of its characters...**

*Fifth year*  
Voldemort had a plan, and that plan, for once, was going well. He had learned of the connection between his and Potter's minds, and he had begun using it to his advantage. He needed the boy to get the prophecy, so he kept pushing 'dreams' into his mind to entice him.

So, once again, he closed his eyes to do just that, sliding into Potter's mind late at night, when he was sure the teen would be asleep...

Potter was having a dream, he realized immediately. A dream featuring a certain large, purple dinosaur that was in the midst of singing a very irritating song.

But Voldemort pushed past that and began feeding his own vision of the path that would eventually lead to the Hall of Prophecies. When the purple dinosaur vanished, and the hall appeared, he knew he had succeeded, and slid out of the boy's mind...

It wasn't until later that day, that the Dark Lord began regretting using that connection.

One thing that was always annoying, was trying to get important work done, only to have a song stuck in your head. It was even worse, when the song was one you hated with every last bit of your soul. And unfortunately for Voldemort, he was stuck dealing with the latter situation.

Whether he was wandering the halls of his manor, sitting at his desk in his study, conducting a meeting with his Death Eaters, or in the middle of torturing someone for information, he continuously found himself humming without realizing it.

Every time he did notice what he was doing, he would stop and curse under his breath, only to start up again a few moments later. He couldn't help himself. The damn song was just trapped there in his mind, and no matter what he did, he couldn't get rid of it...

Many hours later, the Dark Lord was in his library, in the middle of reading a thick tome on soul magic. Severus was in the room as well, going through some of his darker potion books.

The first time it happened, Severus thought he was imagining things. Voldemort was humming? As he peered over the rim of his tome surreptitiously, he saw his Lord's non-existent brow furrow, heard him curse, and was relieved when he fell silent again.

But barely a minute had passed, before it happened again, and again, and again.

The fifth time, however, something slightly different occurred.

"I love you, you love me."

Severus blinked at the murmured voice.

"We're a happy family."

The Potions Master blinked again. Was he really hearing this?

"With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you."

Now, Severus stared at the Dark Lord, unable to believe this. How did he even know this song?

"Won't you say you love me t-god dammit, Potter!"

 _Time to leave_ , Severus decided. He quickly got to his feet, replaced the books, and left the library. He didn't think staying here for much longer would be safe for him at all.

 **This one doesn't seem as funny to me-it was best I could do, unfortunately, so I hope it's okay. Just Google Barney's I love you song if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Anyway, looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	3. Instinctual

*Fourth and Fifth years*

The first time it happened, it caught everyone off guard.

Harry had been pulled out of Potions class for the Weighing of the Wands ceremony, and stepping in that room felt a little odd. What was he even doing here? He was-he was a kid! He shouldn't have been allowed in this bloody tournament!

Still, he looked around curiously, spotting his fellow competitors, the Headmasters/Headmistress, Ollivander, and reporters, maybe? One of them was a woman dressed in magenta. Creepily enough, she noticed him immediately, and rushed over to him, speaking in an oddly breathless voice.

He was quick to realize she was, as he had previously assumed, a reporter. And worse?-it looked like he was her latest scoop. Well, that wasn't good now, was it? Harry had no desire to be anyone's scoop!

But he wasn't fast enough in declining, and Skeeter's scarlet nailed fingers grabbed hold of his upper arm in a shockingly tight grip, and she grinned down at him, evidently pleased.

"Lovely!" she exclaimed. "Now, let's just find somewhere a little more private and we ca-"

"I need an adult!"

Everyone in the room fell silent at once, and Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour, and Viktor Krum, all of whom, because of a Magical Vow, knew Harry hadn't wanted to do any of this, came to his side immediately.

"What's going on here, Harry?" asked Cedric.

"Izz this woman botheering you?" questioned Fleur.

Viktor didn't say a word, merely glowered at the brightly dressed reporter menacingly, a low, irritated growl rumbling in his chest even as his hand landed on the young teen's shoulder protectively, quickly joined by his fellow older competitors.

Skeeter tore her hand away rapidly, as if burned. "Nothing happened!" she assured as quickly as she could, seemingly wishing to placate the three legal adults.

*Time Skip!*

That wasn't the only time the incident occurred. Every time Rita Skeeter approached him that year, Harry, no matter what the circumstances or who was around, would always yell out the very same thing-

"I need an adult!"

-which was always followed by a very suspicious-

"Nothing happened!"

And those adults whom knew and trusted him always rushed over to his aid, even if they were only seventeen themselves, which was, technically, of age.

Skeeter never did manage to get to write that article of the four Tri-Wizard competitors, all her attempts thwarted before she could even begin!

*Time Skip-Fifth Year!*

Harry had just finished up a disastrous date with Cho Chang, and was on his way to the Three Broomsticks to see what Hermione's plan was. Honestly though, he wasn't really that upset. Cho may have been pretty, but all that crying was really off putting. He understood she was mourning over Cedric and all, but that meant she shouldn't have been interested in dating him. That made no sense.

Grumbling under his breath about the crazy female population, Harry entered the pub, immediately spotting Hermione and, strangely enough, Luna. So focused on them, he didn't notice the third woman seated at the table with them.

"Well hello there, dear Harry."

"I need an adult!"

"Nothing happened!"

"Something wrong here, kiddo?"

"Did the woman hurt you, kid?"

"Do you need me to escort her out?"

Harry blinked, emerald eyes confused. "Oh, uh, no, sorry about that. It was instinctual."

Hermione sighed in exasperation, even as Luna didn't react at all. "Oh, Harry."

 **And that's this one. Not as funny as it sounded in my head, I'm afraid. Oh well. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	4. Realization

**Yo. Sorry about how short this is. I came up with it while eating lunch earlier, and thought it'd be funny.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

*Fourth year*

The inevitable had just occurred. Harry Potter's name had just shot out of the Goblet of Fire, and the young teen simply sat there at Gryffindor Table in shocked disbelief.

"Harry Potter!" Dumbledore called out again, much louder this time.

With a hard nudge from his friend Hermione, Harry stumbled to his feet and hesitantly made his way up towards the Head Table. Dumbledore quickly told him to go into the back room with the other champions, and, nodding, the teen glanced over his shoulder.

He froze. Emerald eyes widening, he turned back around to face the other students, staring. But he wasn't looking at all the jealous, sneering, scornful, confused faces. No, Harry was looking at something quite different and totally unrelated to what was happening.

"Harry? Is something wrong, my boy?" questioned Dumbledore from beside him, the twinkling in his eyes fading slightly.

Harry ignored him. "Hermione!" he called abruptly.

The bushy haired girl jumped in surprise, not having expected to hear her name like that here. "Wh-what is it, Harry?" she asked curiously, trying to ignore the sudden attention focused on her.

Harry didn't answer at first, confused gaze passing over the four House Tables again. Then, after another moment, he spoke. "Hermione? Why...am I the only student at Hogwarts who wears glasses?"

At first, there was silence, all irritated grumbles and mumbles ceasing immediately. Then the Gryffindors started looking around, then the Slytherins and Ravenclaws, then the Hufflepuffs, and then the adults. Seconds after, the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang students began to do the same. All at once, everyone realized the same thing:

Harry Potter really was the only spectacle wearing student at Hogwarts.

...What?

 **That's it for this. Again, sorry it's so short. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	5. Wrong Tom

**Yo. Um, well the laptop no longer works, so I'm using my mum's old iPad for this. Forgive me if the format ends up weird. I've never done this on a different device before. If this works out well, I'll work on updating other fics too. Anyway, remember, these chapters are NOT connected to one another. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (or the other fandom mentioned) or any of its characters...**

Harry was in the Chamber of Secrets. He had been separated from Ron and Lockhart, and finally found Ginny. She was laying on the damp, grey floor, unmoving.

He rushed over to his best friend's little sister, dropped to his knees beside her, and grabbed one of her hands, shocked and concerned by how cold she was. This most certainly wasn't normal.

"Ginny! Ginny! Come on, get up!" What was he going to do if she died? What would he tell Ron? Fred and George? Percy? Mr and Mrs Weasley? The other two brothers he hadn't met yet? They would kill him if the girl died! So he shook her with more vigor. "Ginny!"

"She won't wake."

The sudden, unexpected voice had Harry whipping around in shock. There was a familiar looking teen standing before him, across Ginny's prone body, with neat dark hair and intense grey eyes.

He blinked. "You, you're Tom, aren't you? Tom Bombadil?"

"Yes, it is I, Tom Bomba-wait, what?"

"What?"

"What did you just call me?"

"What did I just call you?"

"Tom Bombadil!"

"Tom Bombadil?"

"I am not him!"

"Oh...right."

"Right?"

"Er, wrong Tom?"

"..."

"...Sorry?"

"..."

"Sooo, how's Goldberry doing?"

"...I'm going to kill you, Potter."

"...Figured."

 **Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	6. Distraction

**Yo. Glad you're all enjoying these so far. Remember, these are NOT connected to one another. If they ever are, I'll mention. But for now, they AREN'T. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters, or that one line from SpongeBob...**

*Fifth year*

One thing Harry always found to be incredibly awkward, was when his friends were reprimanded by their parents in front of him. Having never experienced anything of the sort, and the Dursleys didn't count at all, it was just...weird.

Harry was standing in the basement kitchen of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, shifting around awkwardly as Ron was yelled at by Mrs Weasley. The emerald eyed teen had no idea what his friend had done to make his mother this angry, and it was hard to figure it out, because the Weasley matriarch kept admonishing her son for previous and future...mistakes as well.

Harry remained silent, watching as Ron, who was standing beside him, grew more and more red, face soon matching his own hair. Weird. He'd thought only Uncle Vernon could change colours like that!

When Mrs Weasley hadn't stopped yelling ten minutes later, Harry was really uncomfortable now, and decided it was time to...diffuse the tension a little and be a 'good' friend.. ...Or at least get the woman to stop screaming at her youngest son about something to do with a Chocolate Frog and a crusty old sock? ...Ew.

Leaning into Ron's personal space, he whispered in his ear a surefire way to get his mother to calm the frig down. Desperate to get away, Ron didn't at all question the words, immediately turning his attention back to his mother.

He looked at Mrs Weasley imploringly, and very, very earnestly, said, "Squidums loves his mama."

Both redhead's froze at the words, Ron from having spoken them out loud, and the woman from having heard them, both of their minds attempting to register the strange words.

Harry meanwhile, glad the yelling at stopped, strolled out of the room, giggling hysterically under his breath. He was such a good friend, wasn't he?

 **Guess who was watching SpongeBob earlier? Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	7. Stupid Idiot

**Yo. This one doesn't actually have Harry in it, but the idea was fantastic, and I couldn't get it out of my head. Credit for part of this chapter goes to Phoenix Black on AO3.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything familiar here.**

*Pre-Hogwarts*

Lucius Malfoy was not quite sure what this strange journal was, but the Dark Lord had entrusted him with its safekeeping, and he was eager to comply.

The odd thing about the journal however, was that there seemed to be a conscious entity within it-an entity that was a sort of...shadow, perhaps, of his Lord when he'd been but a mere teenager, the way Lucius' own father Abaraxas had remembered him, the two having attended Hogwarts together.

But Lucius had quickly learned that pleasing the adolescent version of the Dark Lord was a lot more difficult and taxing than pleasing the fully grown adult version he had all but grown up around.

Salazar, was Draco going to be this hard to deal with when he became a teenager too? He truly hoped not.

 **"Lucius, why have you stopped?"**

"Ah, forgive me, my Lord." The young Dark Lord had expressed an interest in Muggle literature-a certain book in specific, and as he could not do anything about it himself, Lucius was now stuck reading to him...through a journal. As an upstanding Pureblood, the Malfoy didn't even question the logic there, or rather, the lack thereof.

Wizards had no need for logic, evidently.

 **"Lucius!"**

"Forgive my distractions, my Lord." He returned his attention back to the tome he held in his hands, cleared his throat, and continued to read from where he had left off a few moments ago.

 _"'But I am the real Strider fortunately,' he said, looking down at them with his face softened by a sudden smile."_

"Father?"

Lucius' head snapped up when his six year old son walked into the room, and then shot the journal an apprehensive glance. The young Dark Lord did not take kindly to...'reading time' being interrupted.

 **"Lucius..."** The tone held warning in it this time.

The man cringed slightly, but quickly beckoned his son to him. "If you wish to stay, Dragon, then you must remain quiet. If not, then it would be better for you to leave and find something else to do."

"Yes, father." The blond haired child hauled himself up onto a nearby armchair.

Lucius made sure he was settled before continuing hurriedly, unwilling to be admonished by the memory of an adolescent again, Dark Lord or not. _"'I am Aragorn son of Arathorn; and if by life or death I can save you, I will.' There was a long silence. At last Frodo spo-"_

"I'm bored!"

 **"..."**

"..."

"Can't you read something more interesting, father?" whined Draco petulantly.

 **"Are you implying my choice in literature is tedious?"**

"I don't know what that means, you stupid idiot!"

Lucius sat there, frozen in horror, while Draco sneered at the journal smugly. Merlin, what were they teaching this child!?

The young Dark Lord remained silent for a very, very long moment. When he _did_ finally speak, it was with a deceptively calm voice. **"I will have my revenge for these words one day, Draco Lucius Malfoy. Remember-the Dark Lord does not forgive _or_ forget."**

Draco was too young to _really_ understand what he had done, but even _he_ could tell that these words had sounded pretty damn ominous.

 **"Lucius."**

"Forgive me, my Lord!" He turned to his son. "Draco, please leave. Stay with your mother." He wasn't going to risk another interruption. No way.

 **"Lucius!"**

Oh Merlin! What had he gotten himself into? What had his son gotten himself into!?

* * *

*Ten years later-Sixth year*

Draco was really not liking the Dark Lord right now. Why exactly _he_ had been chosen to make up for his father's mistakes, he didn't particularly understand, but he already knew that no matter what he did, there was no way he was going to be able to kill Dumbledore of all people.

...Why couldn't he have been asked to kill Weasley!?

Of course, when he whined to Theo about it, the blue eyed teen barely spared him a glance. They were childhood friends, yes, but Theo didn't care much about the war, and wasn't in much of a rush to be Marked, like Draco had been. And boy was he regretting that now.

"So?" questioned Theo. "What did you do?"

Draco blinked. "What do you mean what did _I_ do?"

"You obviously did _something_ to piss off the Dark Lord. Your father may have screwed up, but in this case, he'd have given your mother this task, being his wife and all. He doesn't like torturing children...unless it's Potter, at least. Especially not Dark children. So? What did you do?" he repeated, though he didn't sound as if he really cared to know, clearly just wanting to get back to his book and read in peace.

But now that he had said that, it got Draco thinking, and it really didn't take him long at all to realize what the issue here was. Groaning, he buried his face in his hands, inwardly cursing himself.

"Figured it out? What did you do to him?"

"...ot."

"Stop mumbling and sit up straight."

Draco did so, a worried frown on his face. "I said I called him a 'stupid idiot'."

"..."

"..."

Theo turned his attention back to his book. "You're fucked."

Draco just groaned again.

 **Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	8. The Legend of Dudley

**Yo. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything familiar...**

*Summer before Sixth year*

Hermione Granger was in the midst of reading a textbook for her upcoming school year, when a snowy white owl flew into her open bedroom window. Recognizing the bird immediately, she smiled and coaxed her over as she reached for the owl treats she had sitting on her desk for just such an occasion.

"Hey there, Hedwig. It's lovely to see you."

"Hoot!"

"Got a letter from Harry there?"

"...Hoot."

"...Oh dear." She heaved a sigh. "Well, I suppose it can't be _that_ bad."

"Hoooot," Hedwig warned.

Knowing she was going to regret this, Hermione took the envelope, slit it open, pulled out the parchment, unfolded it, and then began to read, brown eyes curious and cautious. This was _Harry_ , after all.

 _Dear Hermione,_

 _Guess what? You're never going to believe it! Dudley cut the grass for the first time in his life! And to make it even more shocking, he_ asked _if he could do it in the first place! Weird, right?_

 _Of course, I wondered if I had died and or suddenly ended up in an alternate universe or something, because this obviously doesn't make sense. But that didn't last long._

 _Disappointed that he didn't find any money or hearts or objects to sell, he dropped the plastic sword he'd been using, and stormed back inside, stomped up to his room, and then slammed the door behind him._

 _Today was a very interesting day!_

 _Harry Potter_

"Hoot?"

"...You were right, Hedwig. It was pretty bad."

The owl just nodded sagely.

 **...I was playing Phantom Hourglass and this popped in my head, sooo yeah. Gotta love references. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	9. Harry's Dream

**Yo. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar...**

*Sixth year*

"Hermione!"

Standing just outside the Great Hall, the bushy haired witch came to a stop, and turned around, watching Harry rushing over towards her. "What's wrong, Harry?" she asked curiously.

He came to a stop in front of her, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath. "I had the _weirdest_ dream last night!"

Hermione blinked. "You ran all the way down here from the Tower to tell me _that_?" she questioned in confusion.

Harry shook his head. "Listen! It was just _so_ weird!"

"Why not tell Ron?"

"He won't understand it. It's Muggle stuff."

The girl cocked her head, but decided to humour her friend. "What was it about?"

Harry jumped right into it, and started to recount the dream. "I don't really know where I was, I think it was supposed to be a computer lab in a school or something."

"Okay, and?"

"Anyway, I was seated at a large, white, square table, and sitting across me was Sherlock, because why not?"

Hermione blinked. "Sherlock? As in Sherlock Holmes?"

"Yeah! We were arguing though, for some reason. Although it isn't exactly surprising, since he's essentially a sociopath, right?"

"True. Okay, so what else?"

"Anyway, he said something that really pissed me off, I snapped, and then started yelling at him before leaving the room, Sherlock staring after me in shocked confusion."

Hermione fought back a laugh. That was actually pretty believable.

"I think I ended up in a building of some sort after that, like, an office building, or flats or something. I was running, and Sherlock, who now suddenly became Randy Orton for some reason, was chasing after me."

"...Randy Or-what?" Okay, now it was getting a bit odd.

Harry kept going. "I don't remember why I was running, or why he was chasing me, but I was bloody exhausted. I know I tripped in the middle of the hall at one point, and practically collapsed, and it was only once Orton started to slowly stalk over to me that I managed to get back up and run again."

The girl frowned. "Did he catch you?"

Harry nodded. "Except now he was Sherlock again, and he shoved me into a wall, getting so close to me I could feel the heat coming off him, and his breath hitting my face. He was so tall!"

"...Oh my."

"And he told me I was an enigma he absolutely _had_ to solve, and that he wasn't going to let me go until he had."

Hermione bit back a whimper. Why couldn't _she_ have dreamed that!?

"Next thing I remember, I was leaving the school from before, and was unconcernedly walking home with masked Kane. And that's it. That was my dream."

"...I'm jealous."

"I know!"

The witch sighed. "Your brain makes no sense to me."

The Boy-Who-Lived laughed. "Yeah, I can definitely agree with that."

They began making their way into the Great Hall in a silence that was eventually broken by Hermione herself.

"Sooo, Sherlock had you pinned to a wall, huh?"

Harry just grinned.

 **And that was the dream I had the other night. What even just happened? Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	10. Bed Time Story

**Yo. Short one this time, just something that came to me while watching SpongeBob a few days ago. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar...**

*Summer before Fifth year*

Sirius couldn't sleep. He'd had problems with that ever since he'd gotten out of Azkaban, and still struggled with it. Sleeping Draughts didn't do much to help him anymore, and he couldn't increase his dosage without becoming addicted to them.

So, usually, when he couldn't sleep, he'd just have Moony tell him a story. But Remus wasn't here tonight, away on a mission, and he really wanted to sleep, so he recruited his godson to fill in for his friend instead.

Harry sat on the edge of Sirius' bed, thinking up a story as he tucked his godfather in cheerfully, hiding the fact that he really didn't want to be doing this at all. "I have the perfect story for you!"

"Go on then!"

The teen cleared his throat, and then began. "Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end."

Sirius grinned brightly. "Great story!" And with that, he fell right asleep.

Harry stared down at him incredulously. "...That actually _worked_? This isn't fair! _I'm_ the godson! _You're_ supposed to tell _me_ a bedtime story! Sirius!"

 **Looking forward tor reviews! Laterz!**


	11. Harry's Dream(2)

**Yo. Since a fair few have commented on the dream a couple of chapters ago, I figured I'd do another few, since I've got some of my weirder, more interesting dreams written down. So, here's another one that's bound to get a few people jealous! Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Warning: Slash/yaoi tones to this chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar, but I did have the dream, so that's something at least. ...Right?**

*Sixth Year*

Hermione Granger was settled at Gryffindor Table for breakfast one morning, when she was joined by one of her closest friends, Harry Potter...who appeared to be in an oddly good mood. Oh dear. That didn't bode well for her, did it?

"What's got you so cheerful today?" she asked him curiously.

"I had another weird dream!" Harry replied, beaming.

Hermione hadn't forgotten the previous one, and to be honest, though she'd never admit it, she was a bit jealous. Well, not that he had been chased by a professional wrestler and walked home with another. Just the Sherlock part. That was it. "What happened this time?" she wondered, regretting her decision almost immediately when her friend's grin widened.

"Well, basically, I was walking through the Charms corridor up on the third floor, past the room Fluffy was in. The hallway itself pretty much looked the same. It was really bright though, and maybe because of that it looked a bit bigger," he shrugged.

Hermione nodded, wondering what was going to happen to make this such a good dream that the Boy-Who-Lived couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

"I was sick, I guess," Harry continued, "cause I was coughing a lot. Anyway, I stopped near the Charms classroom, and then I saw someone standing there. Two someone's actually. Elrond and some other Elf-not sure who."

The girl blinked. "Elrond?" Oh, she knew exactly who he was talking about, and was already frowning.

Harry just nodded, as if confirming that thought. "He started talking to me, I don't remember what it was about. I do remember coughing more though. And then Thranduil showed up!"

Hermione's jaw dropped, and she bit back a groan. This really wasn't fair at all. "What happened next?" She was beginning to get curious now.

"I think he greeted us, and then Elrond and the Elf with him left, walking past me and going the way I had just come from. Now Thranduil was the one speaking with me, and I ended up coughing again. It was harsher though, and I doubled over, my throat feeling really raw."

The witch winced. She knew the feeling well. She hated having a cough. Luckily there were potions that could get rid of them instantly, and she didn't have to rely on Muggle medicine for that anymore. "Ouch, and then?"

"He walked over to me and set a hand on my shoulder, waiting for me to stop coughing. When I did, he led me over to this square table that hadn't been there before. It was covered with a white table cloth. Anyway, he sat me down on one side, and took a seat opposite me. And then Lindir showed up with some tea."

"Oh...I guess that Elf with Elrond wasn't him then? I thought it might be, and you just didn't know his name."

Harry shook his head, but didn't blame her for it. "I think that one was blond," he replied thoughtfully. "Anyway, I guess I made a disgusted face or something, mentioning how I hate tea, which is kind of weird. He told me to drink it anyway though. That it would help with my cough and whatever. I started to tell him I didn't need it, and then ended up coughing again."

"Well, you _are_ pretty stubborn," Hermione pointed out.

Harry laughed. "I think he'd agree with you, because I remember he gave me a smug look once I stopped, and, feeling chagrined, I drank it-the tea, I mean."

The brown haired witch sighed and shook her head in exasperation. "What happened next?"

Harry grinned widely, emerald eyes sparkling. "And then the dream changed or jumped or something, and I was in a bathtub full of water with Aragorn. We were naked."

Hermione's jaw dropped, prompting a few people nearby to notice, though she didn't hear a thing they said. "W-what!?"

The boy sighed mournfully. "Unfortunately, I woke up right after, so I didn't get to see anything more."

"..."

"..."

"...Harry?"

"Yeah, Hermione?"

"I think I hate you."

Once more, Harry laughed, and Hermione sighed. Why did her friend get all the good dreams, she wondered? While Harry had spent the night thinking of sexy Elves and Aragorn, she'd spent it dreaming about watching Ron eat. ...What a nightmare that had been.

 **Harry's dream was one I had just over a year ago. I changed areas of my old school to fit Hogwarts, but the rest was basically the same. It was an awesome dream. You know, except for the part where I woke up... Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	12. My Name Is

**Yo. This is an idea I've had for a while, but it's the first time I've tried putting it into words. Not sure how it'll turn out though... Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Warning: This chapter's pretty AU, I guess...**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar...**

*Second Year*

Harry Potter was seated in a compartment in the Hogwarts Express, glad to finally be away from the Dursleys for once. Summer hadn't been fun at all. Wondering what happened to Ron, and why he hadn't been able to get onto the platform, he sat with his other friend, Hermione, who was too focused on her book to pay any attention to what was happening. Or not happening, since, well, nothing was.

Harry didn't really mind though. It was nice to be ignored, but in a good way. It gave him a good amount of time to be alone with his thoughts, but still be able to speak to his friend if he wanted. A friend who wasn't jealous of him, or about to stare at him weirdly.

And speaking of staring...

The compartment door suddenly slid open, and a girl stepped in. She was quite small, a first year, perhaps, and she stared at him with wide, hazel eyes, and flushed cheeks.

"E-excuse me? A-a-are you H-Harry P-P-Potter?" she asked him nervously, blushing furiously.

Harry sighed inwardly. He really didn't know why Ron wanted to be famous. This had happened to him so often last year, that it was probably one of the most irritating things in the world. When the girl made no move to leave, he refocused on her, and finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, I think you have me mistaken with someone else. My name is...Son Goku. But you can call me John Cena."

Hermione snorted from behind her book, but the younger girl didn't even bat an eye, evidently not recognizing the names. She just sighed, her shoulders slumping in disappointment.

"I-I'm sorry. I...thought you were someone else. The older girls said Harry Potter was here." And with that, she excused herself, leaving and shutting the compartment door behind her as she did so.

For a moment, there was silence. And then Hermione peered at him from over her book, pretty brown eyes amused.

"You never told me your name was Goku-Cena. Or would you prefer I call you Naruto instead?"

The two of them broke into laughter. Perhaps it was a good thing Ron wasn't here. He'd never have understood this.

 **That made sense, right? Overpowered people? ...It was funny in my head. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	13. Harry's Dream(3)

**Yo. Another dream based chapter, though I don't think anyone will have a reason to feel jealous this time around. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Warning: Harry's got a bit of a potty mouth in this one.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar.**

*Sixth Year*

It had been an exciting day for everyone, because today was Halloween, and while the staff and students were enjoying their feast, Harry Potter, who was seated at Gryffindor Table, suddenly released a gasp.

"Harry?"

"What's wrong, mate?"

Ron and Hermione, his closest friends, both turned to look at him in confusion and concern.

"Is it Voldemort?"

"Are the Death Eaters attacking?"

Since it was Halloween, one could never be too careful. Nothing good ever happened on this day, after all.

But Harry just waved his hand in dismissal. "No, nothing like that. I just remembered this weird dream I had last night."

"Oh no," Hermione whispered immediately.

Ron, who hadn't heard about the previous two, considering he would never have understood them, frowned. "Dream? What was it about?"

Considering the way the other two had gone, Hermione wasn't sure whether she even wanted to hear this one or not. But before she could make a choice, Harry started to speak.

"Well, I think I was supposed to be at your place, Hermione, and it was my birthday, and Uncle Vernon called."

Hermione blinked. This already didn't sound good.

Ron's frown just deepened. "Called? Oh! You mean on that, uh, felly...tone, thing?"

"Telephone, Ronald," the witch corrected.

"Yeah," Harry nodded. "But he didn't call to talk to me, of course. He wanted to talk to your mum, Hermione. Apparently he was nearby, and your mum told him to come over."

The bushy haired witch was appalled. "She'd never do that!"

"It was a dream."

"...Oh. Right. Go on."

Harry did so. "Meanwhile, I'm standing there next to her going, "The fuck!?"

"Harry!"

He shot her a smile. "Sorry! Anyway, granted, he probably didn't even remember it was my birthday, cause he's a fucking dick-"

"Harry!"

"Sorry? Um, yeah, but still, him coming over then of all days is just like, the worst thing ever!"

Ron crossed his arms over his chest, and nodded sagely. "From what I've heard and seen, that's definitely true. So what did you do? What happened?"

"I couldn't leave, so I just hid in the closet, because I didn't want to see him."

"Why the closest?" Hermione questioned, unable to stop herself.

"...It was a dream? Anyway, that's all I really rememb-oh!"

"What?"

"I'm pretty sure he killed you two by sucking out your souls."

"W-what!?" the other two exclaimed in unison.

Harry shrugged. "Yeah, that was just really weird."

"Yes. Yes it was."

Hermione was just glad she had no reason to be jealous this time around.

 **This was a dream I had a few months ago. I had to make a few changes, of course. My dream had my dickbag of a father coming over, my mum letting him come in the first place,and the ones he killed by sucking their souls out were my younger sister and brother. Still weird though. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	14. Harry's New Rule

**Yo. I'm trying to separate my dream chapters with non dream chapters, and I was just editing something else, when this idea popped into my head, and I had to write it down.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar.**

*Second Year*

After finally actually making it into Diagon Alley (thanks Wizards who don't teach things properly to anyone not familiar with their ways and no I'm not bitter at all what are you even suggesting right now), Harry was pleased to see his friend Hermione from the previous year.

She was evidently quite happy too, if her running up to him had anything to do with it.

"Harry! Oh, it's great to see you! How've you been doing? Why are you all dirty? Did you finish your homework?"

But Harry simply seized her by the shoulders, expression very serious, all of a sudden. "Hermione, I have a new rule."

The young witch blinked, and then groaned inwardly. This couldn't be good. Being friends with Harry Potter was often odd, but in the few months they'd been together for, Hermione wasn't sure how to feel about these rules he seemed to have, half of which made zero sense to her.

So she sighed. "What is it?"

"Never, under any circumstances, mention the existence of Google in front of Arthur Weasley," he intoned slowly, shaking her slightly with each word. "Never. Do you _know_ what he'll end up doing with rubber ducks if he learned what they were _really_ for!?"

"...What?"

 **I don't even know if this is as funny as I personally think it is, but I just can't stop laughing! Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	15. Harry's Dream(4)

**Yo. So this one's based off a dream I had nearly a year ago. I still get annoyed with it. Bloody cliffhangers...**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar...**

*Sixth Year*

Harry and Hermione were in Gryffindor's Common Room one evening after a tiring day of class. So tiring, in fact, that Ron had headed up to bed for a nap, leaving the two of them alone. Harry figured Ron just wanted some...private time. Hermione figured Ron just didn't want to do his homework.

Technically speaking, they were both right.

While Hermione was hard at work, Harry was sitting in his comfy chair with a small frown on his face. The girl noticed this immediately, but wasn't exactly surprised. He'd been like this basically all day. Every time anyone asked him what was wrong, he would just wave it off.

"Hey...Hermione?"

The girl blinked. "Yes?"

"Have...you ever had a dream that ended with a cliffhanger?"

"A cliffhanger? Wait, you had a dream that-what?"

Harry laughed, and ran his fingers through his hair distractedly. "Yeah, well, I mean, I've read you can't remember how dreams start, so I'm missing all the context here, but... There was some sort of rebellion thing going on against whatever school I was in. It was supposed to be a boarding school, because there were dorms, which were multi-story homes, but it wasn't Hogwarts."

"That's a bit odd, but okay. So, what happened?" asked Hermione, unable to help her curiosity after what her friend had said about a cliffhanger.

"I was the, er, leader of this whole rebellion thing, apparently, and we were recruiting new people. We were the good guys, by the way, but I have no idea why." He shrugged, then went on. "At one point, we had a new person come to our dorm-Neville."

Hermione blinked, and glanced over at the teen mentioned, who was working diligently on his Herbology essay, and smiled despite herself. "Alright, and?"

"So, anyway, I took Neville down into the basement, which was painted a light green, not that that's important or anything, and told him that the entire floor was his. And then someone knocked on the door, and when I opened it, I found Maggie-a girl I went to school with before coming to Hogwarts, standing on the other side. She looked kind of concerned."

Hermione blinked, and then frowned. "Why?"

"Well, she asked me if it was okay for Neville to be there, since he apparently didn't know about what was really going on, since he was supposed to be like, a transfer student or something."

"That...sounds oddly familiar.*"

Harry grinned, and nodded in agreement. "If we're thinking about the same thing, then yeah, it does, doesn't it? Anyway, I told her it was perfectly fine, because Neville knew the truth, and was firmly on our side." The he shrugged. "I don't really remember what happened in between, but the next thing I knew, the three of us were on a bus. I was sitting near the back, and Neville and Maggie were sitting behind me. The seat next to me was empty. Um..."

Hermione noticed this sudden hesitation, and raised a brow, wondering what was wrong. "Harry?"

"Uh, well, you're not going to like this next part."

The girl's frown deepened. "What happened?"

"The bus stopped, and two more people got on..."

"Harry, just spit it out."

"Um, it was you and, uh, Malfoy."

"...What?" Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Which Malfoy?"

"Draco," Harry replied. "You guys were, uh, holding hands.*"

The witch froze. "...I think I want to kill you."

"...Join the club?"

The witch's eyes narrowed further, a sure danger sign. "And? What happened next?"

"Well, you guys sat down in the seat next to me, and apparently you're also on my side of this whole rebellion thing." He paused, then thought back, trying to remember, before continuing. "Now, what we seem to be doing here, is waiting for an informant, or a spy or something that Lucius Malfoy is supposed to send to us."

"Him too? What's with the people on your side?"

Harry shot her a grin, but shrugged somewhat awkwardly. "Hey, I can't control the people I dream about. Either way," he continued, "the five of us were discussing all of that, when the bus stopped again. There was a guy standing outside-white, tall, short brown hair, and he was wearing a red baseball hat. He got on the bus, and then got off immediately after."

"Huh, well, that's a bit odd."

"We were all confused in the dream too, and we were wondering why he'd do that. He was a stranger to us, but it's still just a really weird thing to do, right? So we were just debating why, since we were curious."

Hermione folded her arms across her chest, homework all but forgotten. "Hmm, well, I can't blame you there."

"But then," the Boy-Who-Lived went on, "this other guy got on. He was pretty tall as well, and fully cloaked in a black robe and mask, like a Death Eater, now that I think about it."

"...That's definitely weird, but certainly not unfounded. You've seen plenty of Death Eaters recently. Go on."

"Apparently Malfoy-Draco, knew who this was, even though none of us could see his face, and called him Blackberry."

Hermione stared, and then snickered, unable to stop herself. "A Death Eater named Blackberry!?"

Harry grinned. "Not very menacing, is it?"

"Not at all! Keep going."

The raven haired teen did so. "Blackberry was on our side too, meaning this rebellion thing wasn't restricted to the school, though I think I was only the leader of the school bit."

"This is just getting weirder and weirder." She cocked her head. "Where does the cliffhanger come in?"

"Soon," the boy promised. "See, the problem here is that Blackberry wasn't supposed to be there at that moment, and you suddenly realized something. You said that maybe the red hat guy was the informant, and you used the term red herring while explaining, but I don't really think it applied in that situation." He shrugged again.

Hermione frowned once more. "I suppose it does seem like something I'd say."

"Well anyway, it started seeming more likely that red hat guy is Robert, which is the informant/spy's name, apparently."

"Robert? Do you even know anyone with that name?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't think so? Or maybe I'm just forgetting. Anyway, I don't remember if stuff happened in between, but next thing I know I'm back in Dudley's second bedroom, asleep in bed. Like, my actual bed and everything. I woke up and headed down, where Aunt Petunia was, and walk into the kitchen. I opened the fridge, and found three small pizza boxes sitting in a corner."

"Uh huh..." Even Hermione knew how unrealistic this part was, but she decided it was best not to comment on it.

"So, Aunt Petunia told me I can have the pizza, and that it was brought by a man named Robert. She said he wanted to talk to me, and was waiting for me down the street. I realized immediately that this Robert is the same one we were waiting for before, so I quickly put on my trainers and left the house."

"Okay, and then?" Hermione was actually quite curious to know who this mysterious man was now. This whole thing was very strange.

"I jogged down the street, turned the corner, and then..."

"Then?"

"I woke up."

"..."

"..."

"But...but who's Robert!?"

Harry sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I wish I knew!"

Hermione groaned in aggravation. "This isn't fair! Ugh, yeah, you're right, you just had a dream that ended on a cliffhanger."

 **I need to know who Robert is! Ugh, I can't tell you how irritated I was when I woke up. And yes, Neville, Malfoy, and Hermione were all actually there, and yes, Malfoy and Hermione were holding hands, and no, I don't really even ship Dramione. I changed a few details like my mum for Petunia, and the house for my apartment, but most of the rest was the same. Oh, and if you've ever played/seen Persona 3, the beginning of this dream sounds a lot like that, doesn't it? Weird. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	16. Narration

**Yo. Just a little note about the rubber duck thing from one of the previous chapters. There's been some confusion, so I thought I'd clarify. In the Chamber of Secrets (movie), once Harry first has breakfast at the Burrow, Mr Weasley sits down nearby and asks him, very seriously, "What _exactly_ is the function of a rubber duck?". I've always loved that line, and that's what I was referring to in that chapter.**

 **Warning: Shit gets real in this chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar...**

*Fifth Year*

It was a normal Thursday at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft of Wizardry, as students and staff alike gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast before needing to head off to classes for the day. None of them realized that it was not about to be an average day at all. None of them realized just how many secrets were going to be revealed, and all because of a single boy named Harry Potter. Because of course it had to be _him_.

Nothing seemed odd when Harry first walked into the Hall. Well, not until it became clear that he appeared to be talking to himself for some reason or another. Honestly, Potter was crazy, wasn't he? Here was the proof. Still, he was the Boy-Who-Lived, so they eavesdropped shamelessly anyway.

"I walked into the Great Hall and made my way over to Gryffindor Table. Everyone stared at me, but that was hardly new or surprising, so I just chose to ignore them. It really wasn't that hard to do. I grew up in a cupboard under the stairs, after all."

"What!?"

There was quite a bit of shock rippling through the hall, but no one answered to Hermione Granger's shrill cry of alarm.

"I sat down at the table between Neville and Ron-nice guys, and reached for the milk, wondering when my growth spurt was going to kick in. I suppose the Dursleys constantly starving me all these years played more of an impact than I thought. I knew I would have died from starvation if my friends didn't send me food over the summer. I nearly _did_ die this summer, since they weren't allowed to contact me at all."

"W-what!?"

The shock only grew, and now everyone was exchanging looks of surprise and confusion. None of this could be true...could it?

"Hermione looked shocked, though she wasn't the only one. I wondered why. I thought it was common knowledge that the Dursleys treated me worse than the Malfoys' treated a House-Elf. Hadn't anyone ever noticed the bruises? Or how small I am? Or that I hate loud noises or when people yell at or touch me? I mean, Fred, and George, and Ron literally pulled the bars off my window once when they rescued me. That was good timing on their part. A cold can of soup every other day was a real bummer." He sipped his milk calmly. "Then again, wizards don't really have any sense of logic, do they?"

The twins and Ron received quite a few shocked looks at that, all three of them having paled. They remembered that clearly, just as they remembered their words had been blown away like they were nothing by their mother, who had been too busy yelling at them while she made breakfast...while Harry had been starved for weeks. Oh Merlin!

"Of course, being locked in a room and only being let out twice a day to piss, and not getting fed definitely isn't as bad as the beatings. Ouch. Uncle Vernon sure hits hard. So does Dudley, especially now that he's started boxing. But they're like, three or four times my size anyway. And all those frying pans Aunt Petunia chucks at my head definitely don't help either."

"Oh god," Hermione whispered faintly, and Ginny, who was beside her, wondered if she were about to pass out. But Harry didn't notice, or rather, continued to ignore them.

"Then again, it isn't as if Hogwarts is any better. Especially not this year. I sighed and rubbed my left hand mournfully. I'd had detention with Umbridge against last night. I must not tell lies, my arse. These scars were never going to fade. What sort of quill used blood instead of ink anyway? And while I knew I wasn't the only person who'd been forced to use it, I kind of hoped no one else had been left scarred. It sucked. And hurt."

McGonagall stood up so fast, her chair fell over. "She's been doing _what_ to the students!?"

"The bacon was too far for me to reach, and I was in too much pain to even bother getting my wand, so I just took some bacon off Ron's plate. I didn't think he'd notice, with the way he was gaping at something I couldn't care less about." He ate the bacon, finished his milk, then shrugged and continued speaking, still ignoring everyone else.

"Maybe getting expelled from Hogwarts for underage magic use after saving my worthless cousin's fat arse from Dementors would have been better than coming back here. What's worse, I wonder? Living with the Dursleys while having to fear for my life? Or living at Hogwarts while having to fear for my life? At least I know what to expect with the Dursleys." He pushed his plate and goblet away.

"Sighing deeply, I got to my feet and grabbed my bag, not wanting to be late for Potions. Snape would never hesitate to take points off me. I wish he'd stop comparing me to my father. I'm nothing like him. He had everything handed to him. I don't even know if I'll wake up in the morning. ...Maybe it would be best if I didn't. Then again, I'm also expected to kill Voldemort, since Dumbledore doesn't seem to want to do it himself, so I guess they'd just drag me back as a ghost and make me do it then too."

Everyone watched the teen walk out of the Hall, still narrating things to himself, now saying he hoped he didn't get too much homework today. But even once he was gone, no one spoke, everyone just too shocked by what they had just heard.

And then they all started speaking at once, and there was a flurry of movement. Before anyone really even knew what was happening, there were Aurors arresting a shrieking Umbridge, and McGonagall was yelling at a wide eyed Dumbledore, and Snape just sat there with his head bowed and in his heads.

Harry's friends rushed out of the Hall, presumably to try to track him down and tell him what was going on, while the rest of them just stayed where they were, still having no idea what had just happened.

Harry Potter was definitely insane, but he had just revealed some _very_ important and scary things. ...Maybe he really _was_ telling the truth about You-Know-Who.

 **Well, that's one way to get people to start questioning things, isn't it? Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	17. Harry's Dream(5)

**Yo! This one's based off a dream I had a couple of months ago, and I gotta say, it's a favourite dream of mine or sure! Definitely glad I wrote it down! Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Warning: Yaoi/slash tones in this chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar...**

*Sixth Year*

"Her-mi-o-ne!"

Hermione froze mid-step, and then groaned. She turned, trying not to frown when she saw Harry hurrying over to her, looking quite cheerful indeed. Harry was _never_ this happy in the morning, not unless- "Oh no..."

"I had another awesome dream last night!" the emerald eyed teen exclaimed, the moment he had come to a stop.

If he was this excited, it certainly couldn't mean anything good for her. Well, not for her sanity, at least. So, with that, Hermione mentally prepared herself to be jealous of her friend for the rest of the day. She knew how shallow that was, but she really couldn't help it. "What was this one about?" she asked instead.

If possible, Harry's grin only grew wider. "So, I woke up right after having this dream, at like, six in the morning, after which I fell asleep again and had a different dream I don't remember, so I've forgotten some of the details, which is pretty unfortunate, because this was a...fascinating dream."

"And?" Hermione was reluctant to admit it, but even though she ended up becoming jealous afterwards, she really did like hearing about these dreams. Harry's mind just made no sense, but was also incredibly amazing sometimes.

"Well, I completely forget the context here, but I was in some room somewhere."

The witch sighed and shook her head. "Some detail there, Harry."

"Hey! It isn't my fault I can't remember! Besides, the room itself is hardly the most interesting part," he retorted indignantly.

"Alright, alright. So what was in the room?"

"A chair," Harry replied promptly. "There was a large wooden chair just there in the middle of the room." He grinned again. "And Aragorn was sitting in it."

Yep, that was already a great dream, Hermione reluctantly realized.

Harry didn't notice her thoughts, and went on. "And then Boromir walked over to him, and leaned down, grabbing Aragorn's shoulders, and I'm pretty sure he kissed him, which is kind of weird because I'm not into them together."

Hermione could definitely agree with that. If she wasn't shipping Aragorn with herself or Arwen, it was really only with Legolas...and maybe Faramir? Huh...that was a very interesting thought. She definitely needed to look into that last one, she concluded.

"Anyway," Harry continued. "There was like, a time skip or something, and Boromir was gone, but Aragorn was still sitting in that chair. I approached him now, and he reached out, grabbed me by the waist, and yanked me closer to him, where I stood between his legs."

The witch fought not to make any odd sounds as she forced herself to keep walking while she listened, enthralled, all but able to picture the image in her mind.

"He wrapped his arms around me," Harry recounted, "and kind of just held me there, while I ran my fingers through his hair."

Hermione sighed softly. Oh yeah, the jealousy was definitely building. She didn't realize the students passing them in the corridor had begun giving them a rather wide berth. "Was that all?" she asked.

"Nope!" Harry cheerfully waved at a painting of a white wigged woman, and said, "We were silent for a while, before I spoke, asking him, 'Man presta le, melamin?'" (What troubles you, my love?)

That certainly caught the girl's attention. "I didn't even know you knew that!"

"I've been studying," was all Harry said in reply before continuing his recollection. "So, Aragorn just kind of shook his head, and I don't really remember if he said anything in return, but he pulled back a little, cupped my cheeks, and kissed me gently." He sighed mournfully. "And then I woke up!"

Dammit, just when it was getting good too! "I still hate you, Harry," Hermione muttered.

"I love you too!"

The witch scowled. "One day _I'll_ have the most wonderful dream, that I'll be telling _you_ about!" One day. Maybe. Hopefully. Please?

 **Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	18. Pluto or Pluto?

**Yo! Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

*Second year*

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were seated by the fire in Gryffindor common room, attempting to do their homework. Hermione was already almost done because, unlike the other two, she hadn't procrastinated at all. Ron and Harry on the other hand, were still stuck on their Astronomy essay.

While Ron struggled to write out his thoughts, ink dripping everywhere, Harry scanned through his textbook, frowning, the ink on his own quill already dried out-though he didn't actually notice that.

"Harry?" Ron voiced curiously, seeing the look on his friend's face as he tried to think of literally everything except the essay he had to write.

The emerald eyed boy looked up, but instead of answering Ron, he turned his gaze on his female friend instead. "Hey, Hermione?"

The witch blinked, pulled out of her no doubt whirling thoughts, and looked over. "Yes, Harry? You don't need help, do you? Because you know I-"

Harry quickly shook his head. "No, I just had a question." Although he was smirking now, instead of looking confused, glancing over at Ron.

Hermione cocked her head. "What is it?"

"So, was Pluto named Pluto because of Pluto? Or was Pluto named Pluto because of Pluto?"

Ron stared. "Huh?"

Hermione, however, frowned in thought and mock seriousness. "Hmm, you know, I think I read this somewhere! I thiiiiink, Pluto was named Pluto because of Pluto!"

Harry blinked. "Ohhhh. Huh, I thought it was the other way around!"

Ron, completely and utterly lost, just continued to stare in pure confusion, having literally no idea what the two were talking about.

 **Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	19. Narration(2)

**Yo! No more narration happening in this chapter. It's just a bit of a follow up to what happened. Remember to read chapter 16-titled Narration, before reading this one, otherwise this'll make less sense to you.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

*Fifth Year*

It had been a month since Harry Potter had single handedly changed everything by simply narrating things to himself that one morning. No one knew why he had done it, or even how. No one was sure if he had been fed a strange potion, or cursed, or if he had simply done it because he was crazy (which was odd because he hadn't ever done it again), but suffice to say, he had really made an impact.

Umbridge had been arrested, and charged with multiple counts of child abuse, not to mention possession of a highly illegal Dark artifact. And while under Veritaserum during trial, she had also ended up admitting that she had been the one to send those two Dementors after Potter, since no one else was going to do anything about him. Attempted soul removal (the equivalent of attempted murder) had been added to her charges. Dolores Umbridge was not going to be getting out of Azkaban any time soon, much to the relief and pleasure of many.

With certain laws and decrees still in place, Fudge, unfortunately, still had the power to choose who was to replace Umbridge as Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. Wanting to continue messing with Dumbledore, he had chosen Lucius Malfoy of all people. But, weirdly enough, and much to Fudge's irritation, Mr Malfoy actually made a pretty good teacher. He was fair to all four Houses, took points from all four Houses, and assigned detention to members of all four Houses. He was fairer than Snape, that was for sure. That had been pretty shocking.

Dumbledore himself had been ripped a new one by a very angry McGonagall, who had yelled at him every single time she saw him for a good two weeks after the Incident, as it had been dubbed, and the Headmaster had barricaded himself in his office the week after that, just so he could get some peace and quiet. Not that that helped much, because even his phoenix Fawkes was pissed at him. Dumbledore may have been able to hide from McGonagall, but there was no way he could hide from Fawkes.

Snape had been awfully and oddly subdued over the past month. He was still a bastard, but he sure as hell wasn't as bad as before, and pretty much everyone had noticed that he had been staring at Potter a lot more than usual, though he never said a single word to him. He didn't take points off him, or give him any detentions either...not that the Boy-Who-Lived had really done anything to deserve those. But it was Snape, and he always had an excuse of some kind. Not anymore, it seemed.

It soon became common knowledge that Potter's friends believed Snape was acting like this because he was finally realizing that Potter wasn't like his father after all, and maybe felt a bit guilty about how he had been treating the boy. Either that or he just had indigestion. One of the two. Maybe both.

Potter's friends had been pretty quiet themselves this past month. Even they hadn't known about some of the stuff Potter had revealed. And they had forgotten about other things that had been said. But now that they thought about it, they wondered why they were surprised.

Harry had been saying strange things about his life with the Dursleys, and dropping not so subtle hints since First Year. Some, if not most of those things should have been alarming and raised massive neon red flags. Likely would have been alarming and raised massive neon red flags had anyone other than Harry said them. But everyone had selective hearing when it came to Harry Potter. His own friends included, it seemed, much to their despair.

Potter himself however, didn't appear at all bothered with what had happened, and offered vague sounding explanations or answers to the many questions he was asked over the days following the Incident. It was clear he wasn't willing to answer why he had deemed it necessary to narrate things to himself that fateful day, and refused to tell them whether it had been because of a potion, a spell gone wrong, or his own insanity-although most were still leaning towards that last option.

In fact, to everyone had Hogwarts, Potter seemed positively...chipper.

Creepy.

 **And that's that. If I get more inspiration, I might end up writing a part three, but who knows? Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	20. Harry's Dream(6)

**Yo! Here's yet another dream chapter. I can't help it, my subconscious is weird. This one is based off a dream I had about a year ago. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Warning: Slight yaoi/slash in this chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything familiar. But I did have these all these crazy dreams, so there's that.**

*Sixth Year*

Wanting to talk to Professor McGonagall, Hermione had gone up to the Transfiguration classroom early, and was reading through her textbook again, basking in the silence, when suddenly-

"Hey! Hermione!"

"Oh no." She slowly, and cautiously lowered her book, watching Harry enter the room. He grinned as he walked over to her desk, dropping his bag down on his own desk as he passed it. "Yes, Harry?"

"Guess what?"

"You had another dream?"

Harry's grin widened. "Yup," he replied, popping the 'p' slightly.

Hermione sighed. "I know I'm probably going to regret this, but what was this one about?"

"Well," Harry began without preamble, "this one was kinda weird and jumped around a bit. Ron started freaking out about spiders in the middle of the night, and I fell asleep again after, so I've forgotten some of the details, unfortunately."

The witch sighed again, and then raised a brow. "Well?"

"So, it started on a train, which I guess isn't that odd, considering the Hogwarts Express and all. At some point, the train suddenly became two, running side by side. Laying sprawled out on the top of these trains were Fili and Kili."

"...I already hate you again."

Harry flashed her yet another grin. "Fili was on the train to the left, and Kili, the one on the right. They were laughing cheerfully, pointing at the passing trees and clouds, just enjoying themselves. And then the dream sort of jumped."

Hermione nodded, still listening. She may have looked like she was only paying attention reluctantly, but that wasn't actually wasn't true.

"We were still supposed to be on the train," Harry explained, "but now it was a roller coaster, and we were like, going over the ocean. The track was going bloody upside down and everything! ...I've never even been on a coaster before."

Hermione fought not to flinch. Here was yet another reminder of her dear friend's terrible childhood with those awful people he had the misfortune of calling relatives.

But Harry, too focused on recounting his newest odd dream, didn't notice where her thoughts were straying, and simply went on. "I know the other Dwarves were there too, and both Legolas and Tauriel were coming after us, as if we had just escaped from Mirkwood or something. They were yelling, 'Daro!' (stop), and a few other things I can't remember. Everyone else started yelling too though."

Hermione just nodded again to show that she was listening.

"The dream jumped again. I was exhausted, like, beyond exhausted. I was holding a baby, and walking along a path, towards a two story structure. I don't remember if it was a house or an office building or something. It looked like the latter from the outside, but the former from the inside."

The girl raised a brow, having caught on to one point of what had been said. "A baby? Do you even know _how_ to hold a baby?"

Harry shrugged. "Probably not. Anyway, Lord Elrond-" he grinned again when Hermione glowered at him, "was waiting for me outside, by the door. I handed him the baby, telling him it was a five month old werewolf." Now he shrugged when the girl eyed him in confusion. "Lord Elrond nodded, and then passed the kid over to a randomly appearing Lindir, who randomly vanished right after."

Hermione wasn't able to stop the smile. Weirdly enough, with how...efficient, for a lack of better words, Lindir was, this honestly seemed like something that he might do.

"I don't remember if Lord Elrond said anything to me," Harry continued thoughtfully, "but I looked off to my left, before my knees suddenly gave out on me. He caught me by the wrist, and lowered us both down, and pulled me closer to him as I guess I passed out. I remember hearing him say, 'Rest, henig', (child) before the dream jumped again."

"Wow, lots of jumps this time around."

"I know! It's really weird. Anyway! This time, I walked into a fancy looking room that looked like a hotel lobby from the thirties or something. There were lots of floral couches, and armchairs, and coffee tables. Wait, was that the thirties? I don't know. Anyway, there were a bunch of people sitting around, but I didn't really recognize most of them."

"Most? Does that mean you actually did recognize some?"

"Umbridge."

"...Ah."

"Yeah. She looked at me when I walked in, and with that bloody sickeningly sweet smile, said I should consider making a woman Captain for once, clearly referring to herself."

"Ugh. Captain of what?"

"The guard, I guess," Harry replied with a shrug. "Cause I smiled at her politely instead of telling her to go fuck herself-"

"Harry!"

"-and then walked over to a couch in the corner, and crawled onto Legolas' lap."

"..." Hermione heaved an explosive sigh. This seriously wasn't fair.

"And I buried my face in his neck, and was trying not to cry, and he hugged me. He knew exactly why I was upset. I didn't even want to consider naming a new Captain, because Boromir had been the previous one-a good man, and a good friend who had just died."

"Ah, yeah, Captain of the Guard, then." Then she frowned. Umbridge didn't belong in any position of authority, let alone one as important as that one.

"Anyway-"

"Let me guess, the dream jumped again?"

"Yep!" Harry replied with a cheerful nod. "And I guess some time had passed, cause everyone else was gone, and I was walking into what I guess was supposed to be my bedroom." He grinned widely. "Aragorn was there waiting for me."

"...Why? Why is it always you?"

Harry shrugged, still grinning.

"So what happened next?" asked the girl, pretending to be reluctantly curious.

"Well, he just sort of looked at me for a minute, before holding his arms open. I understood what he was offering, and stepped into them, and he held me close and assured me I didn't have to rush in my decision of naming a new Captain. He knew exactly why it was hard-he was the king, and would be the one to approve of the choice."

Hermione frowned. Which meant this dream had taken place in a universe that was sort of Middle-earth, and sort of their own world. Weird. Cool, but weird.

"Anyway! We kind of just stood there, hugging, before he guided me to the bed, and then he slowly started to get undressed, and then..."

"Then?"

"I woke up."

"...Well, that's unfortunate." Hermione cursed on the inside. Damn, she thought. Just when it was started to get good too!

 **And that's this one. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	21. Foreign Language

**Yo! Credit for the idea for this chapter goes to Lunarwolf11021! Thank you for the suggestion!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

*Second Year*

The Chamber of Secrets had been opened. Slytherin's heir was attacking away. And everyone seemed to think that Harry Potter was said heir, even though he was ninety percent sure he wasn't.

Most people were too scared of him to do anything more than avoid and stare at him, muttering behind their hands or behind his back, pretending he was too dumb to hear them. Or maybe they genuinely figured he couldn't. It was pretty hard to tell. A lot of people here were pretty bloody daft.

Some of these people, however, and not only Gryffindors, seemed to be a bit bolder than their peers, and liked to come right up into his face, and accuse him of whatever it was they thought he did wrong this week.

But it didn't take Harry very long at all to get pretty annoyed by that, and since telling them to stop, or that he was innocent and hadn't done a thing wasn't helping the situation at all, he decided to take care of it in a more...unconventional manner.

Instead of getting visibly angry, or rolling his eyes, or getting exasperated, he would look at them with polite interest, and then insult them in Parseltongue. The results of this were quite...satisfying indeed. Well, for him, at least.

His most favourite, er, incident, happened to him on what should have been a peaceful Sunday afternoon, when all he should have been doing was worrying about the fact that he hadn't finished his Potions' homework yet.

Harry was just taking a nice, calming, peaceful walk through the corridors of his extremely dangerous magical school, when he was cornered by a rather tall Ravenclaw, who certainly must have been a Seventh year.

"You!" the older boy spat. "How dare you!? You should never have been let into Hogwarts, you filthy-"

 **"...You're really ugly."**

The Ravenclaw froze, paling slightly.

 **"Seriously,"** Harry continued, **"are you a troll in disguise or something? I really can't tell the difference."**

"W-what the hell are you saying!? Are you trying to attack me like you did the others!?"

Harry took on a politely puzzled expression, making him look quite innocent indeed, pretending he had no idea that he was speaking in the tongue of serpents. **"That haircut is terrible. It doesn't suit you at all. It makes your head look like a box!"**

"T-there's no way I'm going to let you do this!" the Ravenclaw cried. "I'm not letting you attack me!"

 **"Honestly, if you weren't wearing that uniform, I would seriously be doubting your intended...species. Oh wait, I already am, never mind. You may have a better vocabulary, but you seem about as smart as trolls too. Are you sure your mother didn't have an affair with one? Or was it your father who had one?"** He cocked his head curiously. **"Hmm, it's really hard to tell for sure, but I'm leaning towards mother."**

"You little fu-" The tall Ravenclaw boy, his face red with fury, charged at Harry.

Used to dealing with his equally large and ugly cousin, Harry easily side stepped him, causing him to run head first into the very hard, stone wall, knocking him out immediately.

Harry blinked, and peered down at the unconscious teen. **"Yep. Definitely part troll."** Humming cheerfully, he turned and headed off, resuming his walk.

Though the boy didn't realize it, one of the portrait people who had witnessed the incident, had understood every single word Harry had said.

Salazar Slytherin stood in his portrait, chuckling to himself, having greatly enjoyed the show he had just witnessed. He had heard that there was a young Parselmouth in the castle, but this was his first time having seen him, and he had to admit, he certainly had found it quite amusing.

He was going to have to keep a closer eye on that boy. He didn't want to miss out on any more confrontations, after all.

 **...It's thundering out. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	22. An Epiphany

**Yo! So, this chapter was originally supposed to be another dream one, but honestly, I just didn't feel like writing it, even though it featured a dream about Aragorn, and was awesome, like any dream with Aragorn would be. Instead, you get this: an epiphany I had like, a month ago, as my buddy who'll eventually read this will attest to, seeing as I texted them at like, midnight to get their opinion on it, and then decided to turn that into a chapter. Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

Seventh Year

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in their magical tent in yet another forest. Things, unfortunately, still weren't going particularly well for them, though Harry knew they probably shouldn't have expected anything else.

So much had happened since the three of them had set off, most of it bad, and it left them wondering when exactly they were going to catch a break. They desperately needed one, something all three of them agreed on.

They were holed up in their tent today, the weather outside absolutely ghastly. But they had plenty of research to do, so it didn't really matter that it was best if they didn't go out.

Harry, like his friends, was supposed to be researching as well, but he wasn't. He'd had a random thought come to him just a few moments ago-an epiphany of sorts, really, and he was trying to figure it out.

But he couldn't, so he decided the best thing to do would be to simply bring it up with the other two. Hopefully one of them would have an answer for him.

"Hey, Hermione?" he voiced slowly.

The bushy haired witch looked up from the thick book she had been poring over, and Ron, looking for any excuse to take a break, did the same.

"Yes, Harry?"

"You said you wiped or altered your parents' memories before you left home, right?"

Hermione blinked, clearly caught off guard by the sudden inquiry, but nodded. "Yes."

"You had their names changed, had them forget about you, and then had them move all the way to Australia, right?"

"For their safety, yes."

"What about your neighbours?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Sorry?"

"Well," Harry began, trying to explain his thought process, "with Death Eaters at both Hogwarts and the Ministry, I'm sure your records exist somewhere, right? And I would also assume said records contain your address, because magic. Unless it doesn't exist because magic. Either way, it'd be stupid for the Death Eaters to not know where you used to live. I mean, even if the house is empty, it should still be easy to find, right?"

Hermione exchanged a confused glance with Ron, neither of them sure where Harry was going with this. "And?" they questioned together.

Harry cocked his head. "Well, are you telling me that the Death Eaters would go there, find an empty house, and then just leave?"

"What-what do you mean?"

"Just that, if I were a Death Eater," Harry continued (and with a Dark Lord in his head, it wasn't hard to imagine), "and I had any common sense, if I discovered your house empty, I would have questioned your neighbours instead."

"But why?" wondered Ron. "It isn't as if they know anything! They were all Muggles!"

Here, Harry shook his head. "That's not exactly true. Maybe they didn't know anything about Hermione being a witch, or the Wizarding world, but they knew-know the Granger family. They would know their real names, would know what they look like, would know Hermione exists, maybe would even know where her parents used to work. They would know they recently moved, and even if they didn't know that, they would assume the Grangers had suddenly vanished, which would have them calling the police-Muggle Aurors," he added for Ron's benefit, "because that obviously isn't normal."

Hermione was steadily growing paler with each and every word Harry said. Clearly she was beginning to understand where exactly he was going with this.

"And sure," the green eyed teen went on, "what the Muggles would have to say wouldn't be all that informative, but depending on how the move to Australia happened, it would still help in some way, wouldn't it?" He paused as a new thought came to him.

"Actually, I guess the same thing would apply to the Dursleys' neighbours too. They never knew I was a wizard or anything either, and unless they were spying on us, which is always a possibility in Privet Drive, the Dursleys and I probably just vanished in their opinion too."

And as Hermione became paler than pale, because she actually cared about her neighbours, unlike Harry, Ron finally understood too, and folded his arms across his chest with a deep frown.

"Huh. That's pretty weird, now that I think about it," he said. "I wonder why the Order never set up any precautions for neighbours? I mean, it's pretty unreasonable to go altering the memories of _all_ of them, but there must've been _something_ they could have done, you know?"

Harry nodded in agreement. "Yeah."

Hermione just hoped no one died because of her.

 **And yeah, that was my epiphany. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	23. Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort

**Yo! I was eating dinner, and then this randomly popped into my head, and I had to get it down. Personally, I think it's hilarious. Other may not agree. Or understand. Meh.**

 **I've had a couple of people mention they don't like the slash chapters. Not quite sure what you expect me to do about those. I always warn you that there will be slash in them, so you know whether or not to skip them. If you skip over the warning, read the slash containing chapter, and are then not pleased, well, that's your own fault. Just scan over the damn AN to make sure it doesn't say 'yaoi/slash warning for this chapter'. We'll all be happy that way. And honestly, whether you like slash or het doesn't matter to me. I'm a fan of both.**

 **Also, a guest asked a question referring to the first dream chapter, the one with Sherlock Holmes, Randy Orton, and Masked Kane. It was 1997 Kane that was in the dream, fortunately. Current Kane is not all that intimidating, but I was a huge fan of him back then. Although his kayfabe brother will always be my number one favourite!**

 **Sorry about the long AN! Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything familiar mentioned...**

*First Year*

"Wait, why exactly can't I say his name?" Harry questioned.

Ron blinked, not really understanding why he had to go over this again. "B-because it's the Dark Lord!"

Hermione shook her head. "But that doesn't make any sense!" she protested, her own confusion growing. "It's just a name!"

"Names give people power!" Ron argued. "Saying his name gives him power! Why would anyone want to do that!?"

"But not saying his name proves that we're scared of him, and that will only give him even _more_ power!" Hermione retorted.

Definitely not agreeing with the girl, Ron rounded on his best friend. "What do you think about all this, Harry?"

Hermione did the same. "Yes, what do you think, Harry?"

Harry cocked his head. "I think Voldemort is secretly Beetlejuice, and that's why everyone's so scared to say his name. They don't want to accidentally summon him to them or something."

"W-what?" Ron looked utterly confused.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Come on, Harry, be serious here!"

"But I am!" he returned. "Here, I'll prove it!"

"How?"

"Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

There was a crash and a familiar sounding curse from down the corridor, causing all three of the children to whip around in surprise, caught off guard by the noise.

"Oh damn, I was right!"

 **Yep, still funny to me. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	24. Moonlight

**Yo! Thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

*Sixth yearish maybe?*

It was the weekend, and Harry was currently wandering Hogwarts' large and expansive grounds with his pseudo godfather Remus. Most everyone else had remained inside because of the chilly weather, and Ron and Hermione were probably either fighting or snogging, if not both, so Harry had decided to leave them be and walk around, only to run into a visiting Remus, who had dropped by to speak to Dumbledore.

They were alone outside because of this, no one around to disturb Harry, or say anything cruel to Remus for being a werewolf, which was something that tended to happen annoyingly often. Poor Moony. If anything people should have been blaming Greyback for attacking an innocent child.

...Speaking of werewolves.

"Hey, Remus?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"So, from what I know, werewolves only change during the night of the full moon, right?"

The man blinked in confusion at the sudden question. "Yes? You've covered this in Defence, haven't you?"

"Yeah, but I figured it'd make more sense to ask someone who knows first hand."

"Er, alright?"

"But..."

"But?"

"What about the day of the full moon?"

Remus blinked again, confusion only growing. "Day?"

"Yeah." Harry pointed up at the sky. "See?" Clearly visible up in the sunlit sky was the full moon. "The full moon's out, but you're still you, not Moony."

The man stared at the moon in the sky, frowning. "I suppose it's only moonlight at night."

"But that doesn't make sense!"

"How so?"

"Moonlight is just sunlight being reflected off the moon, isn't it? The moon doesn't have its own light. There's no actual difference between the light, other than that you can't see the moonlight when the sun's up, since it's much brighter, so the reflection's weaker or something-that's what we learned in Astronomy class. So, logically, shouldn't werewolves also be affected like, right now? Because that's definitely the full moon."

"I...huh." Remus was genuinely caught off guard by all this. He had, of course, noticed that the moon was, at times, visible during the day, but for some reason he had never considered any of this. Harry was right in that the full moon was currently out (he was expecting another painful night tonight), and yet here he was, standing here perfectly fine other than the usual pains that came before the night's transformation. "I...I genuinely have no idea, Harry. I really don't."

"...Weird."

 **...I was out the other day and saw the moon out-not full, but still there, and then my mind started wandering and then this happened. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


	25. An Experiment in Love

**Yo! ...I regret posting the previous chapter. Now I've got a bunch of people thinking I don't know how the fucking moon works. I've been researching astronomy on and off for the past fifteen years. Harry however, hasn't. Anyway, thank you to all readers so far!**

 **Warning: sort of slash but not really?**

*Sixth or seventh year*

"A-are you kidding me!?"

"...Why would I joke about something like this?"

"I dunno, maybe cause you're _you_? I mean, that's a damn... _random_ thing to just-just come out and-and _declare_!"

"I do not recall making any sort of... _declaration_."

"...You broke into the castle and snuck all the way up Gryffindor Tower to tell me that you _love_ me, and you _don't_ think _that's_ a declaration?"

"No? ...I do not see why you are so upset. I merely stated an obvious fact."

"I...really don't think 'obvious' and 'fact' are the right words to be using in this particular, er- _instance_."

"Then how would you describe it?"

"...An unsightly, unnecessary, and unwelcome display of emoti-wait, don't cry, dammit! ...Damn, fine." Harry reached out and took the other man's hand. "C'mon, let's go talk to Snape. He'll make this all better...if he knows what's good for him," he finished in an undertone.

When the other man said nothing, simply going along with him contently, Harry dragged the fingers of his free hand through his hair, annoyed. "Merlin, why did we decide dosing Voldemort in a love potion was a good idea again? ...Why did Luna have to involve _me_ in her experiment!?"

 ***I know love potions very likely wouldn't work on Voldy. Don't get all uppity on me. It's just a funny little thought that came to me. Anyway, that's it for now. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


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